Vrooooom...was that Lewis Hamilton? Funny Shoes!

Now...I have a few bones to pick with this young gentlemen who drives a fast car.

Firstly, I much touch upon the fact that he should not be racing under a British Flag but under a Swiss Flag. Mr Hamilton chooses to bank all his hard earned...yeah right...money in the Swiss Banks. There is one simple little reason for this. If he banks with the Swiss then he doesn't have to pay anywhere near the amount of tax he would have to pay here. Many people might see this as a good idea...I however do not. If he so chooses to bank over there then we should take his British passport away and give him a Swiss one. If he doesn't want to help pay towards the upkeep of the country that gave him everything he has today then he can go fuck his own little Mclaren F1 car. The man earns soooooooooooo much fucking money from racing...RACING...he doesn't do anything special. He drives a fucking car. The guys out the back fixing and preparing his car should get more money than he does. They do all the hard and important work. He just gets the glory and not much of that either...snigger snigger.

Secondly there is the advert I saw him in a while back. This tickled me it really did. Mr Hamilton...remember he races cars, this is very important...did an advert for Nike Running Shoes. An F1 Driver advertising Nike Running Shoes...F1...Running...F1...Running. The two just do not go together one little bit. At what point in an F1 race does the driver ever need to have a quick run?!?! FUCKING NEVER. I could understand him advertising crash helmets or Swiss Banks but running shoes! Sorry Nike...you made the wrong choice there. I'll tell you who Nike should've got to advertise their running shoes. If they ever find her...Maddy McCan. Now, I know exactly what you're all thinking. But wait, it does kind of make sense. When/if they find her Nike should give her a HUGE contract to advertise their running shoes. Who else would've needed running shoes more than her. She could stress the need for running away from things...such as dirty old men. I tell you all now that that advert would generate more sales in 1 day compared to what Mr Hamilton generated in 1 year.

Lastly I have one more thing to say about him. IF YOU'RE THAT GOOD A RACING DRIVER TRY WINNING SOMETHING YOU SWISS GIT!!

Until next time ladles and jelly spoons...

Concerning Racism

Now...this whole racism issue right now is getting out of control. No one seems to know anymore what is racist and what is not! So let me explain it to you in my own little quirky way. Well angry way.

Does an old, ex professional footballer (Alan Hansen) saying 'They have some coloured boys in their team' constitute racism? FUCK NO. If he had said 'They have some niggers in their team' then yes, that would be totally racist.

Does Frankie Boyle saying nigger on TV constitute racism? FUCK NO. Just look at the context he used it in. He was taking the piss out of the way the news is reported. Whoever actually complained about that to Offcom or Channel 4 should grow up. I mean, who are these people who sit and watch an entire programme and then complain about said programme. If you don't like what you're seeing then CHANGE THE FUCKING CHANNEL. You have over 1000 bastard channels and you choose to sit and watch the one thing on TV at that point in time that is going to offend you. Grow up, fuck off, learn how the remote control works and watch something that you will actually enjoy...and if there is nothing on that you will enjoy then please, by all means, feel free to imitate Gary Speed.

Does a black politician tweeting 'White people love to divide and conquer', or whatever the daft mare said, constitute racism...again FUCK NO. Although in regards to this one I do wonder what would happen if a white person had said that about black people. Hmmmm interesting indeed. I would think that would be ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL over the papers. This women, however, got a small article in the bottom left hand corner of page three. And she didn't even get her tits out! Shocking.

Does a current footballer, captain, thug, romancer of best friends wife, seller of illegal tickets to games, seller of illegal tickets to training sessions, abuser of 9/11 victims families...my god the list goes on doesn't it Mr Terry. Does Mr Terry calling Mr Ferdinand 'a fucking black cunt', or as the papers always put it 'a f***ing black c**t' (as if we don't know what that is meant to say) constitute racism...ermmm FUCK YEAH IT DOES. I hope they find you guilty and lock you in Brixton Prison. Then we shall see how brave you really are.

As you can see, all of my 4 readers, there is a clear and distinct difference between the first three candidates for 'racist of the year' and the last one. The first three examples are of someone saying 'coloured' instead of 'black', someone saying the word 'Nigger' in a satirical sketch about the news, the way it is presented and the use of language the news reporters use and a politician venting her thoughts via a tweet. None of the above said anything derogatory towards black people. None of the above aimed abuse at black people. They simply said a comment, a joke and a tweet respectively. As for the last candidate for racist of the year...well...what can you say really. He is a clear favourite for this award. The remark he said was clearly racist. It was aimed at a black man (well Caramac coloured...oh a new contender for racist of the year...ME) and it was said with venom and hatred in his voice. Now people...THAT is a racist comment. THAT is a man who clearly lacks any form of intelligence and THAT as they say is THAT.

I hope this little guide to racist comments helps you along the way to being a better person. For more 'Being a Better Person' information sign up now to our NEW weekly Better Person magazine. Next weeks addition is about the Politically Correct movement. They travel to Personchester and see a football match and also take in the music of Personfred Person.

On the next edition of Robservations I will be laying into Lewis Hamilton, Madonna and the entire cast of the one man show 'I think I found a Testicle'.

Until next time ladles and jellyspoons...

People that really fuck me off

Now my hump is filled to the brim with hatred and disgust for the people we see and read about everyday. I feel it is time to unleash my hatred towards them. Now, let's start with the most recent of news...Imogen or Imigen or Imaslut or whatever her name is..FUCK YOU. So what if someone has an injuction out against you to keep your mouth shut. Maybe, and here's a healful hint for the future, keep your fucking legs and cunt shut and you won't be in this bother will you. Now, i am not condoning what these football players do...Ryan Giggs shame on you...but if this tart knew they were married then why did she sleep with them in the first place? I smell a slag...or is that Thanet, i can never tell. Stop rocking out on famous guys cocks and then complaining when they stop you from talking about it. Helpful hint number 2...If there is a ring on his finger then don't put his finger in your ring.

Now, Max Clifford. Stop helping these tarts and slags and wags and whoever else you have under your grotty little money grabbing wing and fuck off.

David Cameron...FUCK YOU. This man is a first class, all round, gold standard, tip top steaming great twat. Who the fuck voted this mini Thatcher into power. I hope you drown in a puddle of my vomit.

Fiona Philips...writer for the Daily Mirror. Saggy old cunt more like. I've tried in vane to wank off to this women but i have come to the conclusion that it is impossible. Apart from the fact she is a Chelsea FC supporter, she is also one hell of a stupid human being.

Coleen Nolan...again...FUCK YOU. How do these 2 women keep getting jobs in the media?!?!?!?! They suck. They just write shite in spite of the fact they're no longer tight...excuse the ryhme but i just watned to do it. One gives advise on life HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA and the other just, well, talks shite as i said.

Anyone involved with the making or production of X Factor...kill yourself.

Which brings me onto the subject of Danniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Minogue. How can a nation, who is currently being lead by the biggest moron on the planet, be more outraged by the sacking/leaving of a failed singer on a talent show when Mr Cameron is running this country into the ground. I guess that sums up the English...IDIOTS. We seem more worried by who's going to replace Danniiiiiiiiiiiiiii as we did about our leader giving £650'000'000 to Pakistan as an apology for saying they harbour terrorists!! 5 minutes after that cheaque cleared Pakistan then told us they had Bin Liner in their country. Mr Cameron, they saw you coming a mile off you fucking MORON.

I cannot stress this enough. If any of you ever see Mr David Cameron out on the streets, or anywhere for that matter, punch him. I mean really fucking punch him. Do what you feel is the best way to hurt this man. The sooner we get him off this planet the better. Noone will miss him, noone will be sorry he's gone. Noone will ever care. We'll all be to busy dancing and partying in the streets to worry about your soul being eternally fucked in the arse by Satans throbbing, never-ending, cock.

Until next time ladels and jellyspoons...

Concerning the Pay Per View Visit

After 5 minutes of watching 'The Papel (or pay per view) Visit' I almost threw up into my own disgust. How dare they put this man on our TV's. This man who covered up all the child rape (i'm not going to say child abuse because it was rape), was part of the Nazi Youth and has got so much money he would make Simon Cowell blush. Apparently all the procedes are paying for the security of the Pope!! Now, if he is Gods right hand man, his big cheese, Gods Bitch...then shouldn't he put his trust in God to get him through the journey unscathed? I have no time for this guy.

How about the Pope gives back all the money the Catholic Church has to the Third World Countries and actually does some good for once. How about he admits what was going on behind closed doors with all those dirty old men. How about he stops wearing all the bling and drapping himself in all that gold. If Jesus was to come back now and see what state the church is in then I think we would see a very angry Jesus. Maybe we could have Jesus vs The Pope on Celebrity Death Match. Now that is something i'd actually like to watch on TV.

The more I write about this guy the more angry I get. So, before I smash up my computer but in a fit of Pope inspired rage I'm going to leave you with this. How about someone bumps off the Pope as we havn't had a really decent assasination in a long time. Controversial I know but it would make one hell of a youtube clip.

Until next time ladels and jellyspoons.

Attackers from Lamp-posts

Seagulls...seagulls...seagulls. Killers from the Sky. Destroyers of Sandwiches. Stealers of Chips. They taunt me with their beady little eyes. That look of the Devil himself. Sitting upon their lamposts waiting for me to walk out so they can swoop me. Fucking things keep attacking me. Bastards. One even winged me...basically he hit me on the head with his wing. Oh don't fret, I punched him in the stomach when he, could've been a she (let's be PC about this...don't want the feminists after me...well only if they put a wee bit of makeup on and wear something revealing...JOKE). I've gone off the track a little there. Let me continue. Oh don't fret, I punched him/her in the stomach when he/she swooped for me a second time. What a rush it was. It was like a battle of the titans...two great forces coming together in a tussle not even seen by the ancient gods. By that I mean I ran back in doors to hide. It must be about 8 times now they have gone for me. Maybe they think my hair is a nest or something. All I know is that one day, I haven't figured out how yet, but one day I'll exact my revenge MWHAHAHAHA. Seriously, they're becoming a pain. I phoned the council to see what can be done about these flying killers of people (might not be wholly accurate that last bit) and they said that they cannot remove them because they're listed animals. I smell something...BULLSHIT.

Here's a question for all of my 5 readers...hello mum and dad...What if one of the fuckers, sorry Seagulls, attacked a small child and disfigured them for life? Remember the Fox? IMAGINE THE UPROAR. People would be filling the streets with banners and logos and tshirts and a catchy name for their group. Perhaps something like the Peoples Institute of Swooping Seagulls...or P.I.S.S. for short. I would certainly join PISS.

If an animal is attacking humans then it should be moved to a better location. I know right outside McDonalds and Burger King is probably ideal for the Seagulls as they get free food, if you can call that food. Move them to the sea. After all they're called Seagulls. In fact, move them into the sea and then we can have a face off between the Seagulls and the fish. If the fish team up then they can surely take the seagulls down. Infact I think SKY already has a programme like that somewhere but more on the state of TV next time.

So until next time ladles and jellyspoons.

Concerning Standards

I know it has been a long time since I updated my blog but to quote the late great Bill Hicks "I've been filling my hump of hate". I've been noticing something rather strange amongst us homo sapiens recently...since when did second best become acceptable. I've noticed this in alot of places. Shops, pubs, takeaways, TV, radio, sports but by far and away most importantly in peoples behaviour and attitude towards one another. It sickens yet saddens me to see people being so rude to each other. Having done my fair share of retail jobs I have a good level of understanding on this particular subject. It is so rare to hear someone saying 'thank you' anymore or 'please'. It is not difficult to say these things so why does it almost pain some people to show some gratitude...ungratful little gits.

Someone told me the other day that I am to old fashioned and need to move with the times in regards to politness. I personally thought that was bollocks of the highest order...times may change but standards MUST remain. Wait a minute, I think it is time for an anecdote. Whilst standing in a chip shop que waiting to be served a rather rude gentleman came sauntering into the chipshop, through the exit door I must add, barges right in at the front of the que and the lady behind the counter took his order! Not one person in that que even battered, excuse the pun, an eyelid. I piped up and told the 'chip shop que jumping man', or git wizard (thank you Marcus Brigstocke), that there was infact a que. Everyone then turned to look at me like I had just let out the most god awful fart! Apparently I was in the wrong and should've kept my mouth shut. Next time I should just throw a chip at his head and blame it on the elderly lady infront of me.

I remember the good old days of people telling que jumpers where to go. When people would stand up for what is right...well not anymore. We just sit back and watch it happen and then moan about it later. Well shame on us. We should say something...like GET TO THE BACK OF THE CHIP SHOP QUE YOU TIT. Granted that could possibly make the situation alot worse than it actually was but if I heard someone say that I would probably offer to buy their chips for them, or at the very least give them a mini round of applause.

Until next time ladles and jellyspoons.

Election Night...Apparently

Every four years i sit up and watch Election Night on BBC1 as it is a comedy gold mine. Hearing a politician say live on television 'If we do get a hung parliament then i want a well hung parliament' is just to good to miss. I almost fell off my chair from laughing so much. Also we had David Dimbleby saying 'We can now go live to David Cameron's house where he is about to come out.' I always thought there was something a little George Michael about that guy. Not saying he goes out to parks in the middle of the night for a 'nature walk' but would anyone really be suprised if he did...i certainly wouldn't.

I had a great idea for the election night. Run the election over two days and two nights and then on the third night we can have his highness Simon Cowell announcing the results live on ITV in some kind of cheap fireworks, glitter, sparkly things, pop music (probably JLS or Cheryl Tweedy/Cole or whatever we have to call her now) type event. We could even have a panal of judges to judge the politicians policies and ideas. The panal could consist of Danniiiiiiiiii Minogue, i'm sure we would all love to hear her thoughts on what Gordon Brown has to say about the economy. Obviously we would have to have Simon Cowell there so we could use his head as a level for the stage. Last but not least we would have to have the master of the rant Marcus Brigstocke there as we would need some intellect on the show. Also just so we can see him call David Cameron a 'Git Wizard'. I think that would be a masterful piece of television. I would certainly tune in to watch an Election Night X Factor. Oh it would be amazing. I can picture it now. Just close your eyes and imagine Simon Cowell giving David Cameron a dressing down...actually don't, i just closed my eyes and imagined it and i feel slightly dirty and a little violated. Oh the image of those two together, Smug and Smugger.

Just one last thought about this. Can we have an Erection Night? A pornographic version of the election, or erection if you please. To vote you just pop into your prefered booth and slide your pink slip into your 'box' of choice. This erection night could star David 'The Back Bencher' Cameron, Nick 'The 3rd Leg' Clegg and Gordon 'I like it in the' Brown.

I'll leave you with the image of the three of them all tugging for your votes. Until next time ladles and jellyspoons.

Just a few things for now

I know it has been a while since i updated my blog but with everything going on in the world (election night, Sir/Lord/Baroness/Messiah Simon Cowell, another famous man cheating on his wife) it has been hard to find the time to update my blog. Now i have some free time i feel i need to unleash some pent up aggression i have about a few things i've seen/heard recently.

First and foremost is the 'Teenage Cancer Trust' show. Now, i'm not going to have a go at the trust it's self as they do fantastic work for the cause BUT i feel something needs to be said about their poor choice of sponsor for the show that was televised a few weeks back. Personally i think that using hair products as a sponsor for the 'Teenage Cancer Trust' is a little insensitive. Think about those poor kids sat there watching this after having had chemotherapy. We all know the major side effect of this treatment, hair loss. Now is it really a good idea to have a major hair product sponsor this show. That's kind of one in the eye for the poor kids sat there with no hair. It's almost as if the producer of the show is saying 'Look kids, look at what you cannot use...maybe one day you can use this product to style ones hair.' Insensitive? You be the judge. Also whilst i'm on the subject of this show i saw Noel Gallagher giving his thoughts on the subject. Here is a man who has an amazing way of answering a question without actually answering said question...i think he should go into politics. He also looks like a newly born naked mole rat with a wee bit of hair that's been dressed by The Beetles ninth choice stylist.

Secondly is Simon Cowell. For those of you who have been reading my rants or Robservations you would know by now that i am not his biggest fan to say the least. I now hear he is to become Sir Simon Cowell. WHAT!!!!!!!! Did i read that right...SIR Simon Cowell...SIR SIMON. It sounds like he is going to be a character from an old school Nintendo game! SIR SIMONS QUEST (that's just for you Castlevania or AVGN fans). Apprently he is being knighted because of his work for charity. I should fucking hope he does work for charity as he has most of our money! I say he does work for charity, i very much doubt he stands around a high street with a collection box asking the average 4pack Joe for some spare change. He probably writes a cheque and has done with it. That's not work for charity, that's picking up a pen and writing his name! I would love to see him picking up rubbish...hold on, he already does that judging by some of the acts he has signed. Maybe SIR SIMON, it still sounds wrong, could help in cleaning up an oil spill or maybe do some volunteer work in a charity shop. That way he could buy some of his acts CD's on the cheap. He might even pick up a copy of his biography as well. SIR SIMON COWELL...what ever next? Dame Katie Price!!

Lastly is Health and Safety...i've only one thing to say about the three most hated and feared words in the English language and that is GO FUCK YOURSELF AND STOP TREATING US LIKE 3 YEAR OLDS...ACCIDENTS WILL HAPPEN...DEAL WITH IT. Oh that feels so much better.

Until next time ladles and jellyspoons.

The Daily Mirror 14/04/2010 - Part 3 - War Children

Intersting Story Number 3. Touchy subject this one for alot of people...War. The Mirror today printed a story about 'The War's youngest hero'. This young chap, Pte Alex Kennedy, has been awarded the Military Cross for saving his commanding officers life whilst under attack from Taliban Forces. He is the youngest person to be awarded this prestigious medal since World War II. I'm not writing this to have a pop at him or anyone in the army. What Alex did was amazing. I couldn't do it. He has my upmost respect for doing what he did. Congratulations on being awarded this medal. That is a genuine congratulations.

The reason i'm writing about this is because i genuinely believe the Government should raise the minimum age of signing up to the army from 16 to 21. At 16 you do need parental consent to join up but still, 16! So at 18, well 17 and 9 months, you can sign up of your own free will. I think this should be raised to 21. Some of these people are still teenagers when signing up for the army...teenagers! They still have that natural teenage aggresion and probably don't fully understand what they're fighting for. They see it as a guaranteed pay packet. I know this as i've chatted to a few guys in the armed forces and having asked them why they signed up that's what they said. At 18 they've barely lived at all. They should go out and get that natural teenage aggresion out of their system the normal way...sex and booze. I think that signing up kids up as soon as they leave school is just wrong. When a child leaves school and finds out there are not alot of jobs around waving an army leaflet in their face is not the answer. Give the person a chance to educate thenselves and grow to discover what they want to be. Then, at the age of 21 and having lived a little, they can make an informed desicion as whether to sign up for the army or not. At 21 they will have a far greater idea as to what the army is all about and whether it is for them or not.

I respect anyone who signs up as I couldn't do it. I would be to scared to point a gun at someone and fire it. Call Of Duty Modern Warfare i'm fine with, real life not so fine. Why is Call of Duty Mordern Warfare 2 an 18 but real life army is 16? That seems a little fucking backward to me. How can a compter game have a higher age rating than the real life armed forces. That seriously needs looking at. Also to sign up to the Army Entertainment Corp you HAVE to be 18 and over. So to go and entertain the troops you have to be over 18 but to weild a deadly weapon you don't! You can go out and kill people in the army before you can buy a pint of lager legally in this country or even a pack of smokes. How the fuck can that be right. I can kill people under the supervision of the armed forces but i cannot celebrate with a pint after. Somethings in this country need changing and that is one of them.

The Daily Mirror 14/04/2010 - Part 2 - Meet The Lumps

Interesting Story Number 2...GIANT family of 9 (with another on the way) claiming £815 a week, A FUCKING WEEK, are saying that it's really hard to get by!!! I honestly was dumbfounded when I saw this little gem in the paper. Out of work parents, 7 children (another on the way and the mother says she wants 14), 4 bedroom house (but they're waiting for a bigger house), 2 people carriers, 42inch TV, Sky TV, Nintendo WII, 3 Nintendo DS, a PC and 4 mobile phones. The Mother says in this interview that 'It's really hard. We can't afford holidays and the price of living is going up but benefits are going down'. I'm sorry, is £815 a week, £3260 a month, £39120 a year not enough for you? Do you demand more of our hard earned money because you can't control what comes of your fanny. If you cannot afford to live, and i used that term very loosly (bit like something else must be by now), then STOP HAVING CHILDREN. It's not difficult to understand! oh, i forgot to mention, they also filed for bankruptcy 18 months ago as they have £20000 of debt with mail order catalogues. I know what you're thinking, C***TS. It's ok, i'm thinking the same thing. I try to keep my bad language to a minimum on here but sometimes it has to be said. I'll leave this story with one more little quote from the adoring mother 'It doesn't bother me that taxpayers are paying for me to have a large family. I don't feel bad about being subsidised by working people'. Well if fucking bothers us that our hardearned money is going to your greedy little mouths.

The Daily Mirror 14/04/2010 - Part 1 - The (R)age Factor

Three things in todays paper caught my attention. The first of which was a little short story about my favourite person on the entire planet, Mr Simon Cowell. I'm starting to realise that this guy doesn't have a clue about anything to do with anything that's about anything involved with anything...unless it's BOTOX. In todays Mirror they printed a little interview that Simon Cowell did in 2004 in which he stated that 'talent shows can harm kids'. When asked on a US radio show if putting children on a television talent show this is what Mr God Complex said 'I have a problem with that, I really do. I even have a problem with people entering at 16. They're just to young. Look at Michael Jackson. When you deprive someone of that age their normal upbringing you really can do some serious damage'. Well in that case Simon, how about you start looking at your own shitty fucking TV programmes. Don't say one thing and do another. Stand by what you have said and stop children entering your so called 'talent shows'. Will this guy stop at nothing to make more money...money can't buy you your youth back though Simon! You can BOTOX all you want and have every nip and tuck there is but you're still going to be a complete tit who clearly doesn't know what he's saying or doing. How about you put an minimum age limit on Britains Got Talent just like you do on X Factor. While i'm on the subject of 'BGT' and X Factor why not actually have judges with talent. These people are meant to be judging people with talent but are talentless themselves. Amanda Holden, Piers Morgan, Sharon Osbourne, Danniiiiiiiiiiiiii Minogue, Cheryl Cole/Tweedy (depending on whether she is with Cashley this week or not), Louis Walsh judge talent...IRONY.