Attackers from Lamp-posts

Seagulls...seagulls...seagulls. Killers from the Sky. Destroyers of Sandwiches. Stealers of Chips. They taunt me with their beady little eyes. That look of the Devil himself. Sitting upon their lamposts waiting for me to walk out so they can swoop me. Fucking things keep attacking me. Bastards. One even winged me...basically he hit me on the head with his wing. Oh don't fret, I punched him in the stomach when he, could've been a she (let's be PC about this...don't want the feminists after me...well only if they put a wee bit of makeup on and wear something revealing...JOKE). I've gone off the track a little there. Let me continue. Oh don't fret, I punched him/her in the stomach when he/she swooped for me a second time. What a rush it was. It was like a battle of the titans...two great forces coming together in a tussle not even seen by the ancient gods. By that I mean I ran back in doors to hide. It must be about 8 times now they have gone for me. Maybe they think my hair is a nest or something. All I know is that one day, I haven't figured out how yet, but one day I'll exact my revenge MWHAHAHAHA. Seriously, they're becoming a pain. I phoned the council to see what can be done about these flying killers of people (might not be wholly accurate that last bit) and they said that they cannot remove them because they're listed animals. I smell something...BULLSHIT.

Here's a question for all of my 5 readers...hello mum and dad...What if one of the fuckers, sorry Seagulls, attacked a small child and disfigured them for life? Remember the Fox? IMAGINE THE UPROAR. People would be filling the streets with banners and logos and tshirts and a catchy name for their group. Perhaps something like the Peoples Institute of Swooping Seagulls...or P.I.S.S. for short. I would certainly join PISS.

If an animal is attacking humans then it should be moved to a better location. I know right outside McDonalds and Burger King is probably ideal for the Seagulls as they get free food, if you can call that food. Move them to the sea. After all they're called Seagulls. In fact, move them into the sea and then we can have a face off between the Seagulls and the fish. If the fish team up then they can surely take the seagulls down. Infact I think SKY already has a programme like that somewhere but more on the state of TV next time.

So until next time ladles and jellyspoons.

Concerning Standards

I know it has been a long time since I updated my blog but to quote the late great Bill Hicks "I've been filling my hump of hate". I've been noticing something rather strange amongst us homo sapiens recently...since when did second best become acceptable. I've noticed this in alot of places. Shops, pubs, takeaways, TV, radio, sports but by far and away most importantly in peoples behaviour and attitude towards one another. It sickens yet saddens me to see people being so rude to each other. Having done my fair share of retail jobs I have a good level of understanding on this particular subject. It is so rare to hear someone saying 'thank you' anymore or 'please'. It is not difficult to say these things so why does it almost pain some people to show some gratitude...ungratful little gits.

Someone told me the other day that I am to old fashioned and need to move with the times in regards to politness. I personally thought that was bollocks of the highest order...times may change but standards MUST remain. Wait a minute, I think it is time for an anecdote. Whilst standing in a chip shop que waiting to be served a rather rude gentleman came sauntering into the chipshop, through the exit door I must add, barges right in at the front of the que and the lady behind the counter took his order! Not one person in that que even battered, excuse the pun, an eyelid. I piped up and told the 'chip shop que jumping man', or git wizard (thank you Marcus Brigstocke), that there was infact a que. Everyone then turned to look at me like I had just let out the most god awful fart! Apparently I was in the wrong and should've kept my mouth shut. Next time I should just throw a chip at his head and blame it on the elderly lady infront of me.

I remember the good old days of people telling que jumpers where to go. When people would stand up for what is right...well not anymore. We just sit back and watch it happen and then moan about it later. Well shame on us. We should say something...like GET TO THE BACK OF THE CHIP SHOP QUE YOU TIT. Granted that could possibly make the situation alot worse than it actually was but if I heard someone say that I would probably offer to buy their chips for them, or at the very least give them a mini round of applause.

Until next time ladles and jellyspoons.