Attackers from Lamp-posts

Seagulls...seagulls...seagulls. Killers from the Sky. Destroyers of Sandwiches. Stealers of Chips. They taunt me with their beady little eyes. That look of the Devil himself. Sitting upon their lamposts waiting for me to walk out so they can swoop me. Fucking things keep attacking me. Bastards. One even winged me...basically he hit me on the head with his wing. Oh don't fret, I punched him in the stomach when he, could've been a she (let's be PC about this...don't want the feminists after me...well only if they put a wee bit of makeup on and wear something revealing...JOKE). I've gone off the track a little there. Let me continue. Oh don't fret, I punched him/her in the stomach when he/she swooped for me a second time. What a rush it was. It was like a battle of the titans...two great forces coming together in a tussle not even seen by the ancient gods. By that I mean I ran back in doors to hide. It must be about 8 times now they have gone for me. Maybe they think my hair is a nest or something. All I know is that one day, I haven't figured out how yet, but one day I'll exact my revenge MWHAHAHAHA. Seriously, they're becoming a pain. I phoned the council to see what can be done about these flying killers of people (might not be wholly accurate that last bit) and they said that they cannot remove them because they're listed animals. I smell something...BULLSHIT.

Here's a question for all of my 5 readers...hello mum and dad...What if one of the fuckers, sorry Seagulls, attacked a small child and disfigured them for life? Remember the Fox? IMAGINE THE UPROAR. People would be filling the streets with banners and logos and tshirts and a catchy name for their group. Perhaps something like the Peoples Institute of Swooping Seagulls...or P.I.S.S. for short. I would certainly join PISS.

If an animal is attacking humans then it should be moved to a better location. I know right outside McDonalds and Burger King is probably ideal for the Seagulls as they get free food, if you can call that food. Move them to the sea. After all they're called Seagulls. In fact, move them into the sea and then we can have a face off between the Seagulls and the fish. If the fish team up then they can surely take the seagulls down. Infact I think SKY already has a programme like that somewhere but more on the state of TV next time.

So until next time ladles and jellyspoons.